Kiki the Sky Pirate

 The skies were lovely today. The kind of skies that whispered calm breezes, that bore wispy cirrus clouds, and shone bright blue like the seas that had dried up all those years ago. A dream sky, if there ever was one.

 There were no hostile ships to be seen, no incoming fierce gusts of wind, and plenty of beautiful sky-fish to be caught today. All perfect sailing conditions for one particular airship to cruise right on in and have itself a fine day of hunting all on its own.

 And what a beauty that airship was. The Glittering Gull, as it was called, an obvious reference to the giant seagull's head an' beak that perched at the front of the ship. Its planks were polished and burnished a soft golden-brown, shining in the early midday sun. Its wings were mounted perfectly to the sides, black-tipped end feathers cresting the gorgeous pearl-white ones as both worked to keep the body of the boat in the dream sky. Atop its golden mast, a flag of a bloody seagull's beak pierced the air menacingly, though menace was of no use on such a perfect day.

 Aboard the Gull was its crew, swabbing the decks and mounting the fish nets and scouting the area in case any other airships even tried to swoop in and steal this one-of-a-kind dream sky away from them. Some did their jobs far better than others, but all did their jobs mandatorily nonetheless.

 Good for them, too, because the only thing they'd be looking forward to is the land thousands of feet below if they stepped out of line. So said Captain Kiki.

 She was a smaller lass, spiky black hair hidden under her blue captain's hat. Her eyes were a soft gray, her skin a pale cream. She wore a well-tailored eyepatch despite having perfect vision, and if anyone dared question it they'd have a finger shot off.

 Yes, despite her appearance Captain Kiki was as ruthless as a raging cyclone. While the weather was calm and her crew was quiet, she was snapping at anyone and everyone who approached her, her navy blue coat flapping behind her as she ranted.

"No! What did I just fuckin' tell yeh? We don't like the spiny kinds!" Kiki shrieked at her cabin boys, a pair of spineless landlubbers who had just joined the Avials. "I don't fuckin' care if you caught a baker's dozen or a baker's million! Go back out there, grab yer nets an' catch a couple o' soft ones, yeh here? I can't be eatin' like some kinda hermit!"

 Both of the boys nodded hurriedly, uttering a few quiet "Yes, ma'am!" pleas before rushing to the netted end of the airship. Kiki gripped the flask clutched in her gloved right hand even tighter. No day was calm for a captain, regardless of what the goddamn weather around her thought.

 Lunch was in less than half an hour and the catches she'd seen were miserable. Dog's food at best.

 If they didn't present her with anything remotely resembling the bounties surrounding the Gull by that time, she'd toss half of them overboard and make the rest work for a week with no pay. Not even a single Fledger.

 Ross, damn him, was the one who broke her out of her thinking prison. The big burly guy didn't even bother saluting her before he spoke. Like a rookie.

 "Cap'n, we've got a bit of a prollem," he growled, scratching his hip through a hole in his mangy jacket. He needed a haircut and a shave badly. The only thing stopping him from getting both was his own lazy ass.

 Kiki snorted. "Yer bloody right we do. The most beautiful fishin' day in YEARS and what've we got?"

 Ross spat to his side before replying. "Er, y'see, it's actually 'bout the kind o' fishin' we all've been doin'."

 "I don't need Morton's glass fuckin' eye to tell ye that, Ross."

 "Right. Well, Cap'n, we've caught a decent bounty righ' around now, but we ain't got 'nuff fer everyone."

 Another angry snort. "Ha! Funny how ye all're thinkin' ye get grub today."

 Ross blinked, his slow mind putting two and two together. "Wait, does that mean..."

 "It means I'm gonna be the only one eatin' today, ye sky-whale! Icarus Above, you're not very bright..." Kiki uncorked her flask and drained the last of the liquor inside before tucking it back into her belt.

 "I figger'd." He shifted a bit. "Ye know, none of 'em are gonna like it when I break th' news."

 The Captain turned to face him, her lips twisted into a sly, condescending smile. This wasn't the kind of nasty smile she'd give to a secretly despised trade partner, nor was it the kind of nasty smile that suggested a sneak attack on a harmless airship that just so happened to be hunting a southwestern sky-serpent the Gull crew already had their sights on.

 This was the kind of nasty smile she'd last given to Richmond, the former first mate before Ross stepped in.

 Richmond's intestines were sealed in an airtight cask somewhere in the Persian Gulf's dried-up crater.

 "And ye think I fuckin' care? Ye think I fuckin' care after the shit-show I've been shown so far?" She yanked Ross by the collar of his jacket until her liquor-heavy breath clashed with his own salmon fumes. "They don't DESERVE a pillowy little letdown, Ross. Not today, an' they'll be damn lucky if ever."

 Ross nodded gravely before she let him go. He brushed off his jacket protectively.

 "Ye got it, Cap'n." He turned around to face the open deck before him, stopping himself when another question squeezed itself into his dull, dirty little mind. "...Cap'n, we caught a damn lotta fish... ye sure ye can handle all'f it?"

 "I ain't a lightweight. I could handle all that an' more. Now go on and tell 'em, and bring that bounty o' yours by my quarters whenever ye got it all ready." Kiki huffed, marching down the sterncastle deck's stepladder and heading through the door that led to the Great Cabin.

 The Great Cabin of the Glittering Gull was entirely adorned with memorabilia. All sorts of little trinkets sat on desks and in glass cases. There were animal skulls, human skulls, artifacts, coins, trophies, tools, pistols, knives, swords, armor, machines, maps, and even a few watery scrolls from the Dead Sea, or rather, the Deader Sea because its waters no longer existed.

 Kiki had quite a few buyers interested in those damn scrolls. She could never figure out why.

 A massive balcony was approachable through two glass double-doors at the front of the cabin, set directly underneath the seagull figurehead of the airship. The Captain often spent her nights looking out at the thick broth of murky clouds above and below her, pondering all sorts of things. What conquests lay before her, what fortunes she'd amass, what new lands she'd see, what bounties lay in wait, what rare sky-fish specimens she'd find next...

 Despite its grandeur, at the center of the Great Cabin was a quaint captain's desk. Unlike the eye-catching spectacles lined in and around it, the desk was entirely plain, cleared of everything save a plaque at its front emblazoned in gold and bronze:

 FIRST CAPTAIN KIKI ALICE ROSS-MONDEUR
 
 "LAY A HAND ON ANYTHING IN HERE AN' YOUR HAND'LL BE LAYIN' IN HERE WITHOUT YE"

 Kiki took her seat behind the desk, opening a cabinet and retrieving the tankard inside to refill her flask. The stress she'd been feeling since this morning was insurmountable. Her men were giving her such a needlessly difficult time... they'd done better than this when the skies had barely anything to catch besides air.

 She poured the flask full and tucked the tankard away, closing the cabinet as she took a long, drawn-out gulp. "Agh... a Captain's only friend is her booze..." she murmured, the mantra echoing in her head.

 "A Captain's only friend is her booze... a Captain's only friend - oh, Icarus, I'm fuckin' starvin'..."

 Her spare hand flew down to her grumbling stomach. She'd been so anxious and so wrought with pressure over the last few days of storms and hard rain that she hadn't gotten any opportunities to eat, the hunger only driving her further and further down the road of fury. The more she stressed, the less she ate... the less she ate, the more she stressed... Kiki hoped today's catch would break the hellish cycle she'd lived through.

 The minutes passed slower than a sky-eel as Kiki continued to drink, her pale face flushing. Hiccups stirred deep in her chest and belly, forcing themselves out of her mouth at random. Yet despite all of this, her mind remained uncluttered only to be fully sensitive against the pains of the sluggishly passing time.

 Only when she finally set the flask and tankard away did Ross enter her cabin. She'd never been happier to see the bumbling oaf in her life.

 "A'ight, Cap'n," he drawled. "Jamie an' Thom are bringin' in today's catch. We did our damnedest best to fit everything we caught into a broth for ye." He undid his bandana and let his grungy hair free in a tip-of-the-hat motion, only to immediately wrap it back on.

 Kiki rejoiced internally, but remained placid and stony on the outside as she nodded. "Very good. Tell th' boys to keep workin' 'til sundown. No slackin' off, ye hear me? None."

 Ross nodded in return. "Got it good. A'ight, then..." He backed out of the doorway and headed down the corridor as two of the bilgy cabin boys wheeled a cart into the cabin in his stead.

 The cart's only resident was an enormous brass bowl, large enough to be used as a bath and several inches deep. Within it sat a small lake of murky reddish-brown broth bearing a strong odor of sky-fish, garnished lightly with several inane spices and vegetables nobody on the ship much cared for but used nonetheless. For a king it was no better than food for the troughs... for a pirate, it was a meal fit for a king.

 The bilgy boys hefted the massive bowl off of the serving cart and set it as gingerly as they could onto the Captain's desk, immediately proceeding to back out of the room without so much as a "yer welcome, Cap'n" or anything of the sort. Normally, Kiki would have punished their disorderly, churlish behavior, but her mind was too busy drooling over the soup, as was her mouth.

 "Hades in Hell... this kind o' meal coulda lasted the Mongols years..." Her stomach roared as it demanded its fill of the meal, which she stroked tenderly beneath her soft brown undercoat.

 In a quiet moment of preparation, she stood up, headed over to the cabin's door, and locked it tightly in case any of the boys came down to her with any insignificant news. For once in her goddamn life, Captain Kiki was going to enjoy this presidential banquet alone. No foolish interruptions. No warnings to further instigate the beast known as stress. Just Kiki and the big, beautiful brass bowl of broth resting nobly on top of her desk.

 She slowly eased onto her stool and slipped off her rough leather gloves, setting them in the compartment above the tankard and flask. She rubbed her hands greedily together before grabbing the wooden spoon that leaned against the rim of the bowl.

 Then, she scooped up a single sip and drank it warily.

 "Hades. In. Hell."

 The broth was phenomenal. It was thick like a sauce but light like a juice. It was packed with the flavor of flame-seared sky-salmon, lightly dusted with salt and vegetables and crowned with the most delectable garnishes she had previously taken for granted. And as it slipped down Kiki's throat and into her stomach, it warmed up her whole body, her muscles loosening and her mind slowly relaxing. Her body slumped a bit as it began to feel more comfortable with itself.

 "How in the ragin' Hell did those boys make somethin' so fuckin' good?" she pondered aloud, followed by a few hasty slurps of the stew.

 Her pace slightly sped up as she ate. The soup seemed more and more appealing with every sip, further tantalizing Kiki and encouraging her to let loose.

 And let loose she did. An instant later, the Captain was chugging down the broth, lapping it up eagerly without any regards of anything else that ever was.

 Her belt tightened.

 Her buttons started to strain.

 Her undercoat felt snug.

 But at that place and time, Captain Kiki's only priority was to keep eating the wonderful broth.

 She was so caught up in slurping down the stew that she failed to notice her lowermost button rocketing off her undercoat and sailing across the room, sharply knocking against the wooden wall before roughly hitting the planks on the ground and settling. Its brethren weren't far behind, and soon Kiki's puffy, bloated belly was fully exposed to the muggy air of the cabin.

 "Glug... glug... glug-HIC... glug... glug-URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!"

 The noises she began to make as she further drank up the broth further established what she had metaphorically transformed into. She, First Captain Kiki Alice Ross-Mondeur, was no longer a master class graduate of the Arial Academies. She was no longer the leader and flight commander of the esteemed Glittering Gull.

 She had transformed into a glutton. A stuffed, greedy glutton.

 Finally, after more minutes had passed than she could count on her hands two times over, Kiki had drained the bowl of its contents. She set it back down on the desk, letting the weight of the broth now fully inside her drag her into a deeply relaxed sitting position on the stool, her eyelids beginning to feel quite heavy.

 "Fuckin' hell, I'm bloated like a sky-blowfish," the Captain slurred, both amazed and stunned by the big, bulging ball taut with soup that had attached itself to her abdomen while she was eating. She calmly undid her belt to let her new asset breathe.

 The first few dazed minutes of her post-binge were spent doing exactly that - dazing off. Her mind had left the Glittering Gull, leaving her body in a sleepy, trance-like state of enjoyment. She enjoyed the broth. She enjoyed the feeling of immense fullness. 

 She finally enjoyed just about everything for those few moments.

 Hell, despite their shortcomings today, she could even say she enjoyed her crew. Sure, they were a bunch of fuckin' land-lubbin, oyster-eatin' scallywag bilge rats, but she could let that all slide provided they were able to make something so damn delicious.

 Kiki knew the trance of enjoyment would vanish the moment she left the confines of the Great Cabin, but she was relishing it while she could.

 Then, once she had gotten her kicks out of dazing off, Kiki got to her feet, a task that was certainly not easy given her round middle's mass and newly expanded-upon volume. Walking with a slight weakness in her knees, she made her way over to the glass double-doors of the balcony. As she gently pushed them open, the soft dream sky's breeze washed over her, cooling her body... her stomach most of all.

 "Heh. Today's a damn fine day," she murmured with a lazy grin.

 The Captain strode up to the bronze railing of the balcony, looking around her. Nothing but blue sky and clean white clouds as far as the eye could see. She wasn't much of a thinker during the day, but after roughly a week of storms and misery, she could make an exception.

 Her bulging belly rumbled audibly beneath her. Instinctively, she brought her ungloved hands down to rub it, but as she did so -

 BHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!!!

 Rather than being surprised or embarrassed, Kiki through her head back and laughed. "HA! I bet th' guys heard that one all th' way on the decks!" she cried triumphantly to nobody in particular.

 The wind continued to caress her face and body as she leaned over, her navy coat flapping like wings, her tummy squishing up against the cold bronze bars of the rail. Even as she licked her crisp lips, she could still taste the savory stew.

 Her mind began to drift off once more as she lazily surveyed the skies. She could vividly imagine the byproducts of that broth, the pounds that would cling to her frame. She'd get the start of a potbelly, sure, or the beginnings of thunder thighs. Her rear might call for a size up in Captain's tights.

 But she was still the Captain of the Glittering Gull. If any member of her barnacle-biting crew tried to point out those pounds she'd gain, they'd be flying with the fishes before she gave them a right to apologize.

 Kiki removed her captain's hat and tucked it under her arm, letting the easygoing winds whistle through her hair. Her stomach bubbled and stirred softly as she arched her back and mounted her hands on her hips. She looked up, inspired, at the gleaming figurehead of the seagull above her.

 "That's right," she told it. "There ain't nobody in these seven skies that'll even think of messing with Captain Kiki. An' if they do, well..."

 Her lazy grin twisted to one of devilish earnest.
 
 "...they'll be hearin' the song of the gull to their graves."

 HHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!!!

 "...that'll fuckin' do, I guess..."